Larry Rotter and the Philosophical Sorcerer's Bone
by Tylindr
Summary: Althoughone of my favorite books, I couldn't help but destroy it
1. The Boy Who Wasn't Infected

Larry Rotter  
And the Philosophical Sorcerer's Bone  
  
Chapter One... The Boy Who Wasn't Infected  
  
All was quiet on Private Drive, thank you very much. Under the wall in front of a disgustingly perfect house with the number 4 on it sat a wine bottle reading a map... no, looking at the map, for we all know wine bottles can't read. At the end of the street with a loud sound vaguely reminiscent of a fart there appeared a fat old man with star-shaped glasses, a violent purple top hat, a white beard which was long enough for him to tuck into his belt (and so he did), a warty nose that looked as if it had been smashed repeatedly with a hammer (and it probably had), and mint green robes that came down below his feet, upon which he wore hot pink sandals that he had picked up at a yard sale. The fat old man waddled down the street for awhile and then reached into his robes and pulled out a strange device like a lighter and pointed it at the nearest lamp post. He clicked the Put-Outer several times but nothing happened. After several tries he became frustrated, throwing it to the ground and stomping on it. He then pulled out a gun and shot out all of the lights. He smiled, turning to the wine bottle.  
"I hope you're having a pleasant evening, Professor McDonald."  
The wine bottle shook violently and then exploded to reveal a sallow- faced old woman who appeared to be quite anorexic with magenta robes that hung loosely from her thin arms. She took a puff from a cigarette and said with a voice characteristic of a chain smoker and bad breath characteristic of a drunk, "How did you know it was me, Professor Rumblemore?"  
"I've never seen a wine bottle that smelled so badly."  
She smiled stiffly. "Is it true, then? Are the rumors that everyone is spreading true?"  
"Yes, the good and the bad."  
"Is it true that He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Touched is gone?"  
"Say his name, Professor. Fear of a name only increases fear of the thing itself."  
"Oh, all right. Is it true that... Vaginalwart is gone?"  
"It is true that he seems to have disappeared for now, but we must remain watchful of another outbreak." "Is it also true that he... that he killed Julie and Landau Rotter?"  
"I'm afraid it is."  
"Then... it must also be true... what they are saying. That he tried to kill their son, Larry, but he... but he couldn't. There was something that happened and that somehow, when he tried to kill him, his power just broke."  
"You seem to know as much of the story as I do."  
"But how? How did that little boy defeat the most powerful dark wizard of the age?"  
"I don't know, and neither will you until the end of this book."  
"And why is it that he tried to kill Larry in the first place?"  
"I'm not even telling Larry about that until the fifth book... why would I tell you and give away the secret to all of the readers?"  
"Oh yes, I understand... marketing techniques. As long as things remain secret we will guarantee that there will always be loyal consumers who wait in line at midnight and ravage one another in an attempt to be the first to get their hands on the next book."  
"Exactly. Remind me to give you a raise."  
"Don't bother, I'll just use it to buy cigarettes and cheap beer."  
In the distance there came a strange scraping noise which caused both McDonald and Rumblemore to abruptly end their conversation and look down the street.  
"What on earth is that?" asked McDonald.  
"Oh, it must be Ragged. I asked him to fetch Larry for me."  
"Can you really trust Ragged? I know he means well but he really is just a blundering idiot."  
"Of course he is, and that's why I trust him. He's too thick to do anything to jeopardize the mission. Not to mention that nobody can understand a damn word he says."  
The scraping sound continued for several minutes, progressively growing slightly louder. "What the hell is he doing that is making so much noise and taking so long?" asked McDonald.  
"I don't know. I shot out all the street lamps."  
After nearly an hour, a large wooden canoe began to take form from out of the darkness. In it sat an unbelievably squat old man with a beard that was quite possibly larger than his entire head and a stomach large enough to rival Rumblemore's. Behind him sat a tiny bundle which you would be correct in assuming was Larry. He continued to paddle the canoe up the street, which woke up every nosy good for nothing in the entire neighborhood. However, none of them could see because all of the street lamps lay in heaps upon the pavement. Rumblemore and McDonald stared in awe at the insurmountable stupidity of Ragged until he finally pulled alongside them, a cheesy toothless grin upon his face.  
"W' 'llo th'r h'd m's't'r."  
"What the hell do you think you're doing, Ragged?" wheezed McDonald.  
"Br'g'n L'r'y t' th' h'd m's't'r l'k h' as'k'd m' t."  
"And why are you bringing Larry to the headmaster in a canoe?"  
"Because I told him to use Snmi (Stupid Non Magical Idiot) transportation so as not to attract attention. I should have realized he was too stupid to figure it out for himself."  
"J'k'l'y W't l'n't' m' h's can'u."  
"Jokely White?"  
"Don't worry about him, yet. He will be pivotal to the plot of the third book but for now he is only mentioned as a subtle allusion."  
"Oh... that whole marketing thing again."  
"Yep. So, Ragged, thank you for bringing Larry to me. You've been a big helper. Now go on back to the castle and go to sleep. It's way past your bedtime."  
Ragged gave another cheesy smile and started paddling away.  
"Hopefully he'll be back by the time Larry goes to school."  
"So, Rumblemore, why is it that we've gone through all of this? Why did you have me meet you and have Ragged bring Larry to this place?"  
"Larry is to stay here until the time comes for him to go to school. This is the home of his aunt and uncle, his only living blood relatives."  
"But Rumblemore, I've been watching them. They are the biggest Snmi's I've ever seen in my life. Larry will be famous. Books will be written about him, making Jo Rowling richer than the queen of England. The books will spawn movies and a billion-dollar merchandising scam. Every day that a new book is released will be called Larry Potter day and will be celebrated by children and adults around the entire world."  
"Exactly... and Larry would be much better off growing up away from all of that. I have written a letter to Larry's aunt and uncle explaining everything. Don't worry, McDonald, Larry will be treated like dirt but in the end it will only serve to make him noble and a much more fitting hero for little children to god-worship."  
"I suppose you're right."  
Rumblemore nodded and gave Larry a slight squeeze. He set him upon the doorstep of number 4 Private Drive and put the letter on top of him. A slight breeze ruffled his already messy hair and played across a V-shaped scar on his head. "He will carry that scar with him forever," said Rumblemore thoughtfully. "The spot where he was touched by Vaginalwart. Larry Rotter... the boy who wasn't infected." 


	2. The Vanishing Allusion to Book Two

Chapter Two... The Vanishing Allusion to Book Two  
  
Larry awoke to find himself in the doghouse. Literally. Ever since he had woken up on the Dumleys' front porch an unspecified number of years ago, they had despised him and him they. When his disgustingly ugly Aunt Penelope had discovered him on the doorstep, she had the biggest hernia ever recorded in the history of Britain. When her lard-butt of a husband, Virgil, saw him, he simply died and, after being resuscitated, spent the next year on life support. All of this could have been wonderful if it weren't for their daughter, Daisy. She was the biggest, fattest, meanest, and most repulsive girl that God ever profaned himself by creating and she was madly in love with Larry. She didn't care that Larry was her cousin and, apparently, neither did her parents. The fact that they hated Larry more than anything else didn't seem to stop them from forcing him to hold Daisy's hand and kiss her in public.  
While he was in the doghouse this morning, it wasn't that which made this particular day so special, for he had lived in the doghouse since he could walk. What made today different from every other day of his miserable life was that it was Daisy's birthday. This meant that they would be spending the day at the local zoo terrorizing all of the unsuspecting animals. While this might have seemed like a nice break from the fifty page list of chores Larry was given by his Aunt Penelope every day, it also meant that he would have to endure an entire day of Daisy swooning over him.  
"LARRY, GET YOUR SCRAWNY BUTT IN HERE AND SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO DAISY WITH US!!!!" said the piercing voice of his Aunt Penelope. He lifted himself up and dusted away they hay from his pink bunny pajamas that had been handed down to him from Daisy. There wasn't much to Larry. He was rather small for his age with jet black hair and green eyes over which he wore circle-rimmed glasses. He called back to Penelope that he was coming and ran into the house as quickly as he could so that none of the neighbors would see him in his pajamas.  
He entered the house to see a mountain of presents numbering in the hundreds of thousands. "How many presents are there, daddy?" asked Daisy  
"Two hundred thousand five hundred twenty one," he said proudly, apparently in ecstasy over the fact that he could count that high."  
She began to cry uncontrollably. "But last year I had two hundred thousand five hundred fifteen."  
"Sweety... we bought you six more presents than last year."  
She stopped crying and pondered this for a few minutes. "Oh!" she said happily and began ripping them all open.  
When she had finished, Larry was forced to give her eleven birthday kisses and sing Happy Birthday to her as a solo while still in his pink bunny pajamas. Feeling completely humiliated, Larry dressed himself and prepared for his long day at the zoo. His Uncle Virgil strapped him to the roof of their station wagon and he tried his best to avoid swallowing too many insects as they drove along. Finally, after only swallowing a record low of ten flies, six beetles, and one load of bird droppings, they arrived at the zoo and Larry was forced to hold Daisy's hand as they trudged along through the various exhibits. It was a very nice Saturday afternoon and the zoo was crowded with happy children and their families. Larry watched the other people pass by him longingly, wishing he could escape the terrible life he lived. His longings were cut short, however, whenever Daisy began to cry and complain after only being at the zoo for a total of five minutes.  
"Mummy! I'm tired and hungry and sweaty, and this place is boooring."  
"But Daisy Dookie Dairy Delivery Darling, you've been looking forward to coming to the zoo for weeks."  
"I don't care. I hate this place. All of the animals are stinky and ugly and I want to go to the gift shop and buy a stuffed giraffe."  
"Oh Sweetie Snookie Slurpy Slug, don't you want to go see the real giraffes first?"  
"No. Take me to the gift shop NOW!"  
Virgil made a strange noise which Larry assumed was a laugh. "That's my little girl. She knows what she wants."  
And so, having seen a total of zero animals (unless you count the ones Larry had swallowed), they made their way to the zoo gift shop. But then, as they approached the hut-shaped shop in the middle of the park, something caught Larry's eye. Conveniently placed right beside the entrance to the shop, as if only there to help deepen the plot of this so far pathetic story, was a large glass tank containing a giant anaconda hanging from an obviously fake tree branch. A small queue of obnoxious children surrounded the tank, pressing their faces against the glass and slobbering all over it.  
Larry watched the snake with great pity and somehow felt he knew what it was going through. And then, so quickly that there is no other way to describe it than fast, the snake lifted its head, looked at Larry, and stuck out its tongue. Larry blinked, quite certain he had imagined it, and then the snake began making faces at him and slobbering all over the inside of the glass. Dumbfounded, Larry asked the snake, "Are you alright?"  
"Of course I'm not alright. I'm stuck in a tank barely big enough to hold me, I only eat when my keeper remembers to feed me, and I spend all day making faces at these retarded kids and wishing I could bite their ugly heads off."  
"Are you... talking?"  
"No, I'm practicing for my debut in a Broadway production... And I thought maybe you weren't as big an idiot as the rest of these yo-yos."  
Larry was so angry and insulted that he didn't even know what he was happening but there was a sudden flash of light and, when his eyes readjusted, the glass tank had vanished and the snake was writhing on the ground bleeding, having been impaled by the fake tree. He didn't know what had happened but he was almost certain that it was somehow his fault and it gave him a great swell of satisfaction.  
Of course, that was before he felt a great wallop upon the side of his head. His Aunt Penelope and Uncle Virgil both struck him at the same time from different directions and it sent his head in such a flutter that he felt he would never see straight again. "Watch where you're walking you idiot; you nearly tripped poor Daisy," said Penelope.  
"Didn't you see what happened to that snake?" asked Larry.  
"We have better things to do than to goggle over... OH!"  
It seemed that she finally realized that where there used to be obnoxious children torturing the caged reptile there was no longer a cage or a snake but simply a crowd of horrified little brats. "What... what... what have you DONE??"  
Larry looked at them in disbelief. Even though he suspected that it was somehow his fault he couldn't imagine how they could blame the vanishing glass on him. "What do you mean? How could I have...?"  
Virgil suddenly turned bright red and then purple and then a terrible shade of blue before he finally had a heart attack and collapsed on the spot. Daisy began to kick him as he lay on the ground, crying about how he'd ruined her birthday party and Penelope continued to shout profanities and threats at Larry. The zoo became an absolute riot as more people began to notice the now dead snake and Virgil lying unconscious. By the time rescue personnel were able to clear a path to get to Virgil he had already come to and began to berate Larry again.  
  
The ride home was far more miserable than the ride to the zoo. Aside from the fact that he had swallowed at least eight loads of bird droppings, forty-six beetles, nine hundred flies, and even a very angry bee that stung his stomach five times before finally giving in to its death, Larry had the foreboding feeling of facing his punishment when they arrived. With the way his day had been and with what he had to look forward to, Larry found himself thinking fondly of his dog house where, aside from being cold and uncomfortable, at least nobody was around to treat him, well... like a dog. 


	3. Letters From a Quite Determined Nobody

**Chapter 3… The Letters from an Undefined and Quite Determined Nobody**

Penelope and Virgil were so angry with Larry about the riot at the zoo that by the time his punishment was finally over, the unspecified time of year that this story began in had ended and his sixth grade school year was fast approaching. The only times he had been allowed to leave his doghouse were for Daisy's daily tea parties with her dolls in which he was forced to wear a tutu and a pink bonnet for her amusement.

It was only on the second day following the end of his punishment that Larry walked into the house and was overpowered by shocking pink balloons and streamers that plastered the entire kitchen. In the middle of it all was an equally pink Daisy and her parents. Almost afraid of what the answer may be, Larry asked, "What's all this for?"

Penelope sneered, clearly in pain because of the sound of his voice. "It is a celebration you disgusting waste of skin. Daisy is starting sixth grade and will be attending the highly prestigious School of Learning for Overwhelmingly Bratty Girls."

Although still in shock about the color of the house, Larry couldn't help but smile, "So, she and I will be going to different schools next year then."

Virgil broke into a malevolent smile and quickly began to turn many different colors with wicked happiness. "No."

Larry froze. "No? But… you said that she was going to that all girls' school."

Virgil was beginning to look in serious danger of having his fifth heart attack of the week. "She is… And so are you!" Clearly, the bliss of it all was simply too much for him because he finally collapsed.

Larry looked to Penelope, "You… you're kidding. There's no way. They would never let…"

"Shut up you stupid hairball. We couldn't possibly send Looky Loosy Lovey Licky Limey Lootle to a strange place all by herself. We reviewed the rules of the school and there is no rule against boys attending. However…" She began, and by the look she gave she too seemed to be trying painfully to contain her bliss, "They do have very strict rules on the dress code."

His eyes bulged in horror, knowing what was coming.

She pulled from behind her back a putrid purple checkered knee skirt and a pink button shirt that could not possibly have matched less with the skirt. "You will be wearing these."

Daisy screamed in absolute ecstasy, "OH Larry! We're going to have so much fun! I heard that they teach you how to be a prim and proper lady at that school. I'm so excited. And I'll be the only girl there with a boyfriend so all the other girls will be so jealous!"

Larry was saved the pain of coming up with a response by the click of the morning post being delivered. "I think I'll go and gather the mail." He walked as slowly as he could to the door, thinking about how horribly embarrassed he would be on his first day of school. He reached the door and bent down to pick up the mail when he noticed an odd piece of mail lying on top. It was fluorescent green with hot pink lettering on the front in which the address was written.

L.Rotter

The Dog House

Number 4 Private Drive

Thank You Very Much

Britain

Larry was quite taken aback. He had never received any mail before in his entire life and he was quite sure that not a single soul that might care to send him any even existed. He picked up the mail and began to walk slowly back to the kitchen, eyeing the strange letter addressed to him. He set the rest of the morning post onto the counter, opened the letter, and was just about to read it when it was suddenly not in his hand any longer.

"Who told you that you could read our mail?" snapped Penelope, holding his letter in her greasy boney hand.

"It was addressed to me. It even has my doghouse on it."

Penelope sneered the most horrible sneer she could muster and directed it at the innocent piece of paper in her hand. Her eyes began to bulge terribly until Larry was almost certain that they were going to explode and she finally began to let off some of the pressure by wheezing a high pitched and painful wheeze. The sound was so unbearable that it caused Virgil to wake up and then pass out again. She turned to Larry.

"There has been a mistake. This letter is not for you."

"Yes it is. How could there have been a mistake?"

"Silence! It is a mistake. I will destroy the letter and you will never speak of it again. Do you understand?"

Larry was awestruck. He had finally been recognized by someone as a human being and she was telling him it was a mistake. At a loss for words, Larry finally nodded and went back outside to his doghouse.

The next morning, Larry painfully made his way into the kitchen, still thinking longingly of the letter addressed to him. "Who could have sent it?" he thought, "it's not like anyone even knows I exist."

He sat in silence, trying to think about the soggy cereal and nearly sour milk he had been given for breakfast, but even the dreadful taste of his food couldn't compare to how badly he wanted to read the letter; or at least know who had sent it.

Virgil glared intently at Larry throughout the meal while Penelope simply seemed to be trying to avoid him completely. "Daisy Dumpling Doodle Dinkle Duffer Darling, could you please go and get the mail for mummy and daddy?"

Daisy mustered a look on her face which anyone who didn't understand the situation would have believed resulted from learning that her family had been chopped to bits by an axe murderer and baked into the pie which she was having for breakfast. "WHAT? NO MUMMY, DON'T MAKE ME DO IT, PLEASE!" she screamed, and then burst into uncontrollable sobbing.

Penelope then burst into tears with her, apparently aghast with herself for asking her precious daughter to do such a terrible task. "Oh Precious Poodle Pumpkin Picking Peddler, Mummy is so sorry! I will get the post. Here, have another slice of pie my darling."

Daisy glowed with ecstasy and began to ravage her pie like a famished animal that had just crossed the frozen tundra without food or water.

Penelope went to the mail slot and grabbed the morning post, flipping through it quickly to see if she had been lucky enough to receive her neighbor's mail today so that she could pretend to open it by mistake before returning it. Instead, she screamed a deadly and terrifying scream that shattered every window in the house and sent Virgil into seizures. "IT'S ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE BLASTED BLOODY LETTERS!"

Larry jumped from his chair and ran to the door. "Give it to me!" he exclaimed. "It's not a mistake; it can't be!"

Suddenly, the house began to rumble and through the shattered windows burst hundreds of thousands of owls of every color and size imaginable, each carrying a letter identical to the one in Penelope's hand. Virgil had fifteen heart attacks and then continued his seizure, Daisy began to jump up and down demanding more pie, and Larry tried desperately to grab one of the many letters but Penelope, in a stroke of fervor and intensity only possible when something as important as continuing Larry's misery is at stake, grabbed him by the ear and tossed him easily onto the station wagon outside and whisked her nearly dead husband and sobbing daughter into the backseat. Within two seconds flat they were all zooming down the road, moving as far away from the house as possible.

They continued to drive for the rest of the day and through the night and the next day as well until they came to the sea.

When they finally stopped, Penelope, apparently still in her same fit of rage, flung the door open so hard that it ripped from the rest of the car and flew haphazardly into the roaring waves. She then gave them all a look so severe that Virgil, who had just seemed to finally be recovering, returned to his heart attacks, strokes, and seizures and Daisy screamed her bratty little head off while Larry remained strapped to the car, so covered in insects and bird droppings that no one, including himself, was able to tell what his reaction was. "Stay here," she growled and walked to a tiny hut beside a pier with several small boats moored to it. After several moments she returned with a small silver key and a tank of gasoline. "Get in the boat."

"But MUMMY!" screamed Daisy, "WHY?"

"BECAUSE I SAID SO YOU LITTLE POOKIE PUDDLE PUSHER PUMPING PRETTY POODLE! NOW GET IN!"

Daisy was so shocked that she moved silently and sat peacefully in the first boat on the pier.

"YOU TOO YOU WALKING MEDICAL IMPOSSIBILITY!" she screamed to her husband who had now simply gone unconscious. When he remained immobile, she again mustered up her otherworldly strength and flung him out of the car and into the boat which nearly sunk upon the impact. She then did the same to Larry without so much as a word and then moved herself to the boat, poured in some gasoline, inserted the key, and started it painfully after several tries.

It struggled forward and somehow made its way steadily away from the shore before the engine finally exploded, the boat sank, and they all used Virgil's motionless body as a flotation device.


End file.
